Hi
Hi?
I saw you yesterday when you were chatting with mija on the webcam.
Oh?
You look good... but a little sad.
Yeah. I miss her.
Do you miss me?
Excuse me?
My mom saw you too. She likes what you did with your hair. Guess she forgot how pretty you are.
Didn't she call me a bitch just a few weeks ago?
Yeah. Hmmmf. Guess that doesn't matter if you're still cute.
Oooook. Did you have a specific reason for calling?
No, I just wanted to say Hi.
Ok.
She thinks we're going to get back together.
She what?
She thinks I still love you.
Oh really?
I told her I do. She knows that I do.
Ummmm...
I know you love me too.
Love was never our issue.
Well, then what exactly is the problem? Why won't you just come home? If love isn't the issue then tell me please, what is it?
I've been telling you for fourteen months already, isn't it kind of late to be finally getting a clue?
Dammit! Just answer the damn question. I love you Chris, I know you still love me too. I know you do. I know I haven't been perfect, but dammit I wouldn't fly off the handle so much if you could just behave yourself. Fuck! If love isn't the problem then what is?
Everything else.
*click*
Been a while since I've updated... Today has been a rather crappy day and I spent a great deal of it feeling sorry for myself.
I'm taking off this pity party dress... I just wasted the last 24hours and I don't intend to waste anymore.
I've been avoiding things... important things... wasting time just waiting for my daughter to come back home... twiddling my thumbs and pining like a damn schoolgirl... ridiculous.
Time to get back to work.
On this:
I had a dream. In this dream, I followed a small girl with white hair into a wooded area. She never showed her face, but her body was on the cusp of puberty, just beginning to bud... her hair shone like a beacon. We walked through the woods, following a path that only she seemed to be able to see, stepping over moss covered grey stones that appeared to be the remains of an old wall. Cold, grey sunlight filtered through the green leaves above our heads but did not seem to reach the ground. I could smell the damp and the dark of the earth. I could hear the trickle of water from some unseen spring. The wind whispered gently through the trees and I felt the air heavy with secrets around us.
The girl never spoke to me or acknowledged that I was there. I could see the damp dirt and green lichen sticking to her bare feet as she stepped delicately over a fallen log. I shivered, feeling the cold bite my nose, and wondered why this child wandered the wood in a thin, cotton dress, which was obviously a size or two too small, without sweater or shoes to protect her from the chill. Her unbound hair blew back in a light breeze and I caught a glimpse of her pale cheek before she turned away and was once again shielded by the curtain of her white hair. I was closer now and could see faded, light-green stripes, interspersed with a pattern of pale pink roses on her dress.
We came to a clearing and I followed her through the tall grass. She trailed her fingers idly along grass as high as her waist, as another might trail fingers in the sea. She made her way towards the base of a high cliff face on the opposite side of the meadow. I could see the stony crag etched against the grey sky and made out a line of trees at the top.
The bottom of the stony mountain(? Hill?) was blocked off by an old iron fence with a high gate with arched doors. The girl approached the gate and I followed. The rusty hinges gave a wrenching shriek as the girl pulled the doors open. As I stepped nearer I read the words “Gardien du anges” at the top and wondered if the bad French was deliberate, or that perhaps it wasn’t French at all but some bastard child of French and English. The gate was secreting an old garden, long disused and choked with weeds. No colors in this garden save the pale figure of the white haired girl walking along the broken path towards the sheer face of grey stone at the rear.
As we approached the rock face, I realized that someone had cut an arched entry into it. Stone steps were carved, leading down into the dark. I could see the shine of the girl’s hair leading me onward, down into the recesses of the cave. I followed and heard the sound of her bare feet as she padded down the steps.
The air seemed to shimmer somehow, as if tiny motes of light were moving through it. The girl turned to follow the stone steps leading down to the left. I could hear the sound of trickling water echoing along the walls of the tunnel, which shone with damp. Dim light came from recesses above, but I could not fathom what the source was as it was a warm light, almost a glow that did not match the color of the sunlight that had come through the overcast sky in the woods outside. At the bottom of the steps the girl walked along a short span of rock that seemed to cross a small pool of water. She knelt down and dropped a shiny copper coin into the pool, then dipped her fingers into the water and touched some area of her face that I could not see.
I looked down into the pool as I crossed the rock span, could see copper pennies glinting up at me. The area was tiled in a blue mosaic... but I could not make out the picture. I looked up and could no longer see the girl, but I could see light coming from an arched doorway just ahead and the imprint of the girls small dirty feet led the way. I followed... and walked into a room lit with a bright warm light which blinded me momentarily.
The room was beautifully furnished with many wondrous things... the girl was nowhere to be found....
I woke up after exploring the room... the germ of excitement in my tummy... I worried that I should write the details down, that I might forget... but I know this story is waiting for me to reach for it... it's right there...
*research in progress*
On the personal front: divorce still not final.. not sure what is going on there, but going to work it out... being stuck in limbo is sucking my will to live and my sanity. 
As I breathe, I hope.
. 
and caring 
you need to make yourself know how special you are. 
New post on my blog come read it if you have time
I have updated my Blog post on the new puppies 
with pictures 
come look
if you have time. Wishing you lots of POSITIVE BLESSINGS 
Come see the beggar that came to my door when you get a chance. 
thought I’d drop by your place and say Hi. Come see a our family member to be 
when you get a chance. 
Keep minding the cash and any expenditure, but be assured that you’re likely to be on the receiving end of a good deed in one form or another today. As with most signs the evening will have more to offer; in your case you can look forward to some much needed chill out time!
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Hope you have a wonderful week. I have updated my blog so stop
by some time 
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